well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
