i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
