Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
