I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
