fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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