I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
