The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
