dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
