It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
