I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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