Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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