I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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