I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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