I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
