I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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