Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
