So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
