There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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