I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
