This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
