i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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