If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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