I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
