I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
