im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
