The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
