we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
