I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
