i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
40s are totally the cure
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
