While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
