When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
