I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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