Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
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