i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
