Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
