I think scott just propositioned me for sex
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This baby is an asshole
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
