So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
