He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
