what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I want to be your penis for a week.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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