from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
