I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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