the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
