i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
