did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
