Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
