i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
