Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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