shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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