I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
