No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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