my phone needs a breathalizer
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
