The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
